mental health

To my eating disorder….

I didn’t have a date to Senior Prom.

We broke up the night before.

I barely graduated from high school with a 2.6 GPA.

And I didn’t go away to college that fall.

I dropped out of the school musical, quit dance, and started skipping classes.

I dodged invites to hang out with friends so I could go home and let you run me ragged.

Literally.

I lived off watermelon, ice chips and guilt.

You crowded so much of my mind that I don’t have as many memories as a 25 year old should.

And I spent entirely too much time wishing I was thinner, better, smarter.

Or at least thin, good or smart ENOUGH for you to let me go outside and play.

You took everything; wrung me out until all that was left was the blonde hair on my head and just enough eye movement for them to roll back inside my head at the thought of having to hold a conversation.

You took everything, and left me with nothing.

Wait, let’s try that again.

You took everything and, because of that, I know what it means to FEEL like nothing.

And I know how much I have now, and all of the good things you have been replaced with.

I went to community college to live at home and be near my family and doctors.

I got a job that only had me working 4 hour shifts so I could eat all my meals at home.

I started dating someone and slowly started to believe he wasn’t lying when he told me I was pretty.

I graduated.

I got a full-time big girl job.

I got MARRIED.

To someone that wasn’t you.

I purchased a brand new car because I was saving my money and not spending it on diet pills and laxatives.

I went on trips for fun because I had time and wasn’t spending it all wishing I was good enough for you.

And I told everyone what you did.

I started with my family.

And ever so slowly, it began to build.

I told everyone I knew about the harm you caused.

I was surprised to find out how many others you had already gotten to.

You’re quick and you’re mean.

And for years I was hopelessly, tragically and unhealthily in love with you.

But people fall out of love, and I had never been so happy for those feelings to fade.

And I warn you; let this be your only notice.

That every time you try to get under someone’s skin and make them feel inferior, I will be right there to list YOUR flaws and YOUR motives.

I will beat you to the punch.

I will make sure everyone knows how wonderful they are.

So no, this is not a “thank you for teaching me” note.

This is a FUCK YOU, we’re perfect, letter of intent.

Intent to continue living in freedom.

Intent to destroy you.

Sincerely,

1 of 70 million

 

 

 

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